Why is life like this? Yesterday when I came out of my office, instead of taking a cycle rickshaw to my room where I stay alone, I started walking. It was 7 PM of a cold Delhi evening, so was filling the cool breeze on my face, hitting me hard, trying to change my expression. But it failed and I remained sad. Sad for the very existence of myself. Sad for the kind of life I was living. Sad for so many things. I tried to throw away these feelings in air and lit up a cigarette. While the smoke filled the air around me, so many thoughts, some of them weird enough to make me laugh, started filling me from inside. I was still walking, along the side of the road with so many cars, walking by a beautiful park where so many people relaxing in the park. I was afraid to keep my head straight, afraid to see people happy and joyful. I was mostly walking with my head down. Am I the only one left alone in this city? Why’s life like this? People I want close to me are so far away from me.I always wanted to be surrounded by my friends, but they are not there for me. There are so many friends whom I have not even see for may be 8-9 years. There are friends with whom I always want to be with. Is this the life I always wanted? Is this the life for which I have sacrificed so many things? Is this the kind of life for which I am so far away from my family? Why is it that what you want you hardly get and what you get is not exactly what you want. I always try to find things to do to keep myself away from these thoughts but I could never succeed. I love to shop so I shop a lot. I’m a gadget freak and I almost spend my entire salary and keep buying things. All this just to keep myself happy, but still I'm not. This is my life and this is my story. Now things are always like this.Will they ever change?Sudddenly one thing said by one of my colleague started resounding in my head “Kabhi to aisa ho ki yeh darwaza khule aur andar kuch alag ho”...Kash kabhi aisa ho.So I kept walking with this hope...Someday…
1 comment:
Yes.. sometimes we do have a feeling that we are working for something that we don't know.. just a kind of vague expectation remains in our mind.. as if we are living and working for something spectacular, searching for something extraordinary, and perhaps waiting for something unexpected..! But WHAT?? What is it that we want..? What makes us happy? Is it only ignorance..? or is it indulgence..? Or perhaps something inexplicable!!
The truth is that sometimes it is not clear about the purpose of the work we do, but we keep on pushing ourself so hard, and save the life and enjoyment for later! Then some time later, one will realize that probably the price paid for being 'successful' (or satisfying the ego) is too high, and the golden time has already passed..!
It seems that the solution to this very serious problem does not lie with anyone else, but lies with us only..! We probably are not as helpless as we sometimes think! :)
But sometimes it seems so incredible that we can solve a big problem like this without assistance from anyone! Probably that is because NO-ONE knows a person more than the person himself. We might turn a blind eye to our inner needs, but can anyone really deny of hearing a warning bell from inside before doing something wrong..? Or having felt a tremendous passion at least once in the life for something [or someone ;)] that made even the impossible look possible?
I believe we impose too many mental blocks on ourselves, and unconsciously try to convince ourselves every day that we cannot overcome some obstacles, or worse, we cannot be happy. The moment we accept this fact, we might want to deviate the attention by trying to get involved in something that will capture the attention more, hence trying to quench the fire with volcano!! The current lifestyle has opened up plenty of such avenues..
The last resort is always ignorance, which is the easiest path..
But still there is hope.. reading your blog made me feel that there are people who really want to be happy, and are still trying so hard to find the right way to reach the destination. Keep on trying, my friend..! The door will open someday, and you will find what you had always wanted. But don't be surprised then if you find out that you had the key to that door all the time, but probably realized it just then!
Good luck :)
~Arijit.
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